Start Me Up (Again)

While I understand that I’ve done this before, I’m doing it yet again, trying to refocus myself to stay consistent with my goals. This blog. This story. This creative thing that I love. It always ends up on the back burner when life gets heavy. I find myself surviving rather than thriving, and even though I’ve acknowledged that pattern before, I still fall back into it. It’s the path to getting better.

I haven’t had the energy to write, to work on worldbuilding, or to keep the momentum going on any of my creative goals. The motivation isn’t gone because the passion faded. It’s just been buried under the weight of everything else—work, parenting, responsibilities, and more than anything, the fog that settles in when battling my mental health. It sucks that I can feel it when it starts to slip. Trying to make posts like this is my way of digging in my heels in rebellion against my mental state. If you’ve read previous posts, you know I’ve had to restart this engine more than once. But that’s the nature of long-term goals. Sometimes you have to jump-start yourself again and again and again.

I need to check in with myself. My mental health. My routines. And especially, my medication.

I recently had to take a hard look at how I was feeling day-to-day. My sleep was inconsistent. I couldn’t focus. I was dragging through the day with little to no desire to work on the things that usually bring me joy. It wasn’t laziness. It wasn’t a lack of discipline. It was something deeper. I’m someone who takes medication to help balance my mental health, so that was a potential first clue. Diet, sleep, anxiety, and medication were the things I wanted to focus on the most. Recognizing my shortcomings and asking for help is a very new thing for me, so it was comforting to know there were professionals I could speak with about these issues.

I reached out. I talked to my doctor. We adjusted medicine. We moved toward sleep tests that showed sleep apnea (with several factors beyond just being overweight). I started paying more attention to my patterns again—how I sleep, what I eat, when I feel most drained, and what still lights a spark. It wasn’t a dramatic revelation, but it was a necessary step to take stock so I could move toward a recalibration.

Medications aren’t static. Your body, brain chemistry, and life circumstances all change over time. What worked well a year ago might not hit the same way now. But it’s easy to ignore that when you’re in survival mode. You start to normalize the fog. You tell yourself you’re just tired. That you’ll get back to it next week. Next month. Next time life slows down. Only it doesn’t.

If it never slows down, you have to take the steps to create your own spaces for personal maintenance. Maintenance matters.

This is your reminder to check in with yourself too. Not just your calendar or your to-do list. Check your energy. Your mood. Your physical health. Your sense of joy and purpose. If something feels off, don’t ignore it. Especially if you’re someone who takes medication, attends therapy, or has a diagnosed condition. Seriously, maintenance matters.

This blog has always been about more than just fantasy worlds and storytelling. It’s also a place for honesty. And honestly? This is hard. Being a person is hard. Trying to chase a creative dream while managing all the messiness of real life is hard. But showing up again—trying again—that matters.

I’m not sure if I’m ever going to feel like I’m completely normal, but knowing that I keep trying, it’s good enough for me right now.

One step at a time,
K